WHY DIVORCE??????

WAS THAT THE ONLY CHOICE?????


Here's the way I piece it together:

Life is a learning experience-

How we treat one another is also an experience - but what do we really learn from it???

My saga begins at the end not "In The Beginning"

I want to relate to all of you my true feelings about what occurred between myself and the EVH (the ex-wife). I cannot give you a starting point as to when the marriage started to slip. I had no idea that it was slipping, nor did I sense any troubles or problems. I was not informed. I guess you could say that I was the last to know (LOL). Funny , but true.

I do know this:

That when you're (attempting) to make love to someone and you sense that that person has no feelings for you anymore, that's when and how I got the message, AND NOT UNTIL, that she was thru with me! I attempted to verbally plead with her to reconsider, but I knew it was futile. She could not or would not offer any reason for a divorce, because there was none, nor does one exist at this time. (app.14 years later). This is my belief and I will attempt to offer evidence to substantiate my claim. Whatever, whomever you believe its your choice. I don't care who you believe, what I'm trying to do is simply get all of this off my chest, and my mind (whats left of it). I have spoken my children and one of my brothers. I've kept most everything to myself. That's just the way I am. I keep a lot to myself. I don't confide in other people - that's just me. Part of the reason is I feel other people have their own problems, why would they want to hear about mine. I also preferred to handle my own stuff. Thus I found a new way to bring this out thru the net. Why not?

I'm not looking for anyones sympathy. I only want you to know what it felt like, how I responded, and the reasoning for my behavior during the split up.

I'm not the one who wanted out of the marriage. Thats a fact! You know looking back maybe I didn't love her as much as I should have. On a scale of 1-10 I would have to rate myself a 4. I've thought about this issue quite a lot. Although if I may say she (from now on well use EV here for she) did not question my love for her, at anytime during the marriage. I felt we were content. We didn't communicate our feelings to one another very much. I would suggest we were just going thru the motions. Through all those years app. 20 + (1975 1995) neither one of us complained. If EV did complain I didn't hear it. Please remind me of this somebody, when and where was there a complaint? Maybe I was just too naive.. To be honest let's face it WE didnt complain.We were content! (Thats my story and I'm sticking to it).

We didn't plan out anything, nor did we talk about having children, vacations, religion, income, etc. only sporadically as I recall. In app. 20 years I think we only took one or two vacations and guess where? yep that's right, Florida. I thought she had everything she wanted. If EV didn't she should have spoken up. She didn't express any dissatisfaction about this or any other matters to me. To my knowledge EV did not even ask me any questions. (much like my daughter is now).

I would like everyone to know this little tid-bit (FWIW):

Wedding Day Oct. 5. 1975; Matron Of Honor - was EV's fathers girlfriend, not her mother as is traditional. Her mother had passed or was not well at the time. I suggested that the girlfriend take this role. No one raised any objection at the time. I relate this because only years later did EV question it, and then it was too late. My reason for having a designated Matron Of Honor is I felt it was an absolute. I was not fully aware of this womans involvement within the family, and I don't think anyone else in her family clearly understood this woman's intentions or involvement either. But there you go, if there was an objection, question it then not years later as happened. (Was that the start of the downfall? LOL)

Within some of these issues, I guess I'm venting but it does me good to get these issues out in the open. Maybe this could help someone else out who may be going thru a similar situation.

I still don't understand the reason(s) for divorce:

There was no violence, no stalking, no harassment, no cheating, no physical abuse, no verbal abuse (the 4 letter words). I tried not to curse at her. I'll say it again I did not curse at her.

I worked in the N.Y. Prison system and did not bring the job home, that wasnt my style. After app. 7 yrs on the job. I saw a chance for advancement, through promotional exams. In the 80's NYS opened a dozen or so jails, and I took the promotional tests and was lucky enough to pass them and took the promotions. I explained to EV what the promotion process meant: One would have to go to an upstate jail for a few months (3-6) and await transfer to a home facility. But again Ev did not object. It was an economic reason and something I worked for. Yes we did stay in contact, so I don't see where it could be construed as a unilateral decision. Her lawyers attempted to make a case of me just leaving home anytime I wanted. Attempting to imply that I abandoned or deserted the family. Did I return? but of course. (Shame on them LOL). Its obvious I took the promotions to provide a better quality of life for our family. That's all there is to say on this point.

I guess I would have to say that I was "glued" to my job, but not married to it. I did start to like my work once I became a Supervisor, I could then see that this was not a dead end job, that there was a bright side to this corrections thing. I didn't turn down much overtime either because I knew it would benefit the family. I accepted the fact that money was tight even back then, most of my earnings went into the house/family. I had no problem with that. EV only had a part time job as a hairdresser. I don't know what she did with the money she made. I didn't ask and didn,t care. Should I have? I was the breadwinner, I knew what my responsibility was and I did the best I could. I didn't forget that fact for a moment. EV didn't question my motives, intentions regarding income, promotions or the like. Why didn't she? I don't know, I mean I do know- there was no problems!!! she was content. The time to question any motives, was then not 10 or so years later! That doesn't solve anything, just adds to the animosity. Thank You.

I do recall a chance we had to purchase the house we were in , this had to be in the early 80s. It was a 3 family home 2 car garage and maybe 1/2 acre of property. All this for 60,000. yes american money. very reasonable. EV couldnt give an answer, she had nothing to say about it. Dont ask me why, ask her. There was a chance for both of us to put away some extra income and probably make our lives a little easier. but alas it didn't happen. I got scared of the responsibility. and turned it down. Again Ev with nothing to say. She was there the whole time. My point is this : Don,t state in 95 that I held you back from making extra income, another one of their arguments. Cause here was a perfect example of no input from EV. My fault here too, I guess. She could have taken another job or gone back to school anytime she wanted all she had to do was open her mouth, but she didn't because she was content!!!

Please don't use the argument that I treated EV like an inmate. what for 20 years before she filed a grievance, or complaint, or divorce action? This is the nuts and bolts of my argument. EV had nothing to say during the 20 years, why wait until 95 to file some complaint.? What was she after? Alas now we come to grips with this picture. Lets see if we can unravel the mystery.

I don't know what happened as to why EV wanted a divorce, I can only guess that meddling had a large part in determining her decision to seek a divorce. I do believe that emphatically. Certainly some girlfriends planted thoughts in her head, because of envy, jealousy, dislike for me, I don't know, I simply didn't associate with any of her friends that often. I kept busy with the kids. I can't offer much evidence here for this feeling, but it does keep swirling in. I believe it does happen in other peoples marriages, (so why should I be left out of the excitement LOL). Although I do recall a mutual friend did pay a compliment that I had turned into the "ultimate family man"

Unsociable; Ok I'm guilty. I did not have a large circle of friends. After the years roll by the friends just sort of drift away. We didn't go out much. She didn't complain. Maybe she should have. She was content. I missed a birthday, anniversary? Do tell! Don't know what that story was about. Haven't been informed yet. Maybe that was the reason for her wanting out.
Oh yes I did walk away from the Thanksgiving Dinner once to watch football, when guests were there. (My brother, some guest LOL). I didn't miss much conversation there. I'm guilty. I admit it. I guess we are piling up the evidence for excellent grounds for a slam dunk divorce case. hold your applause. I wonder what her lawyers really thought when she brought all this out.

Oh yes let us not forget the feeble attempt at mediation. Only cost me app $400.00 for a ten minute session, in which I was still in my anger stage. Obviously it was a waste of money. It's most difficult to shove something down someone else's throat. And that's what this whole thing felt like to me. Something I just had to accept and deal with according to her plans. Whatever they were. The mediator did tell her to "get a lawyer" There it is, No mediation go to court get a divorce. great intellect here.

Marriage Counseling you say? EV scoffed at it. "What good would that do"
More to come stay tuned please.

I would also add that I feel that she wanted to control the "marriage" and all around her. Whatever the reason: is not clear to me. If she truly felt "locked up" she should have confronted these demons and met them head on. But she did not complain to me about our lifestyle. So be careful fellows of those quiet ones. They'll want to take over eventually.

Just to clarify a pint:
I took promotions to further my career, but more importantly, I thought it would bring more income into the household so that we could find a better quality of life. But, alas I was totally insane about this simple ordinary plan because: EV's lawyers
brought this up in court making it sound like I just left at the drop of a hat for no reason. Fact is I took a promotion to Sergeant in 1984 and had to go upstate, as that's where the openings were, for app. 3 months. EV had no problem with me taking the appointment. EV never said a word.
I was then promoted to Lieutenant in 1989 and the same thing occured - upstate for app. 3 months and returned And Ev had no problem with this decision. That's all I can remember about "leaving". So what were they trying to say ? Were they trying to build some sort of foundation, some pattern to this horrendous,, gruesome crime? (LOL). Not a word was spoken about the "TRUE" reasons for taking these appointments. All deception on their part. All lies from them. I hope they can live with that! I hope they slept god thinking such wonderful thoughts about someone. I wonder who brought this nonsense out? The lawyer or EV? I'm sure the lawyer planted the seed(s). Whatever it was they were trying to prove I'm not sure It sounds pretty binignto me especially when you weigh all the "facts" I dont think the judge was moved either.
The question still remains what evidence is there to warrant a divorce?
So far I don't see a thing, not noe shred. Do you?
Just a word to the wise. If you're in a similar situation be careful - a lot of it is deception, trickery, fabrication, embellishment, exaggeration and total lies. I guess this is what the lawyers are taught in school, so they can pass it on to their clients, who just eat it up, as happened in this case. Is it because the clients don't know any better or are they just naive? "What fools these mortals be".
Another dishonorable tactic the lawyers for her side convinced her to use was this:
In the court papers is a statement that EV spoke with a Reverend H. who worked at the same facility as I did. The lawyers or Ev got him to make a statement in that I said to him that I wouldn't pay child support to anyone! Number !: They didn't mention his name, they didn't hav to there was only one Reverend working there at the time. Were they afraid to mention his name or was it all just a pack of lies? Why would they stoop so low to come up with this false story. Cause tghey had no real evidence for a "real" divorce. They had to create something. I did not speak to Reverend H. about my personal business - I wouldn't trust the man, even though he's a man of the cloth, I don'thave that much respect for him. He din't have a very good reputation in the jailhouse among the employees He was one the administration had a watch on. He was very close to the inmates and even his immediate Supervisor Father C. had problems with him and even counseled him. If the lawyers knew his reputation they would not have introduced this blasphemy. Its total lies. I'd hardly call it a strategy. I did not speak about my personal business to any fellow employees or friends. I just didn't.


HIKING:

I visited the Brinton Brook Sanctuary near Cortland, New York this evening 9-10-08. Took a 2.7 mile walk through heavily wooded acres. its a small sanctuary. with a few intertwining trails. Youre almost in somebodys backyard as youre close to rt 9-a. The Sanctuary is located on the North side of Rt 9-a app.1 mile north of th Cortland Diner. The trails border a golf course. The highest elevation reached is app 300'. i went with a group of other avid hikers and we discovered a geocache underneath a large boulder. Many trails have these caches it draws interest to the trails. The trails are well marked, there is some moderate climbing, not overly tough, good climb for a beginner. It was a pleasurable walk.elapsed time app 1 hr and a half.